It seems that it’s at the end of the day we do the most reflection, soul searching. Nighttime seems to be the time we recognize our loneliness, our fears. I don’t mean to generalize for all humanity as I speak for myself, so if you are one of those people who can get into bed, alone and not notice, care or begin a frustrating (and oft pointless) bout with introspection, God bless ya.
For me, if I keep busy and live a full life throughout the day and night, I can sidestep the “How Did I Get Here” dance and save it for that final 20 minutes to 6 hours of before-I-fall-asleep time. There there’s the fear: the worries about finances, health, the kids, the ministry and of course, God and Me. Judge me a nutcase but walk in my shoes for awhile and you’ll be sleeping with the light on too! I hope I don’t get an outpouring of “Perfect love casts out all fear…” on this one. I KNOW THAT. But living, breathing and becoming that is a lifelong process, no?
I will say that in writing this down for the first time I’m noticing something fundamentally obvious that I never saw before. If I know that it’s dumb to go to bed thirsty, having to pee, forgetting to check all the doors, or any other thing that might mean getting up after getting all cozy with my KISS comforter (doesn’t everyone have a KISS comforter?) then it only seems logical that I DEAL with my fears, worries, doubts, concerns and emotional loose ends BEFORE I attempt to wind down permanently from my day.
I’d be interested to hear how others do this. No affirmations please. No offense but I would like to hear some real balls to the wall testimony on how God has dealt with some of you in the night seasons where we are our most vulnerable. And alone. Married people will also relate to this aloneness as well. Sometimes that can be even worse-lonely but not alone. I don’t mean to be a downer. On the contrary. I’m throwing around some truth here hoping that it will set some of us free. Beginning with me.
Heck, I feel better already. Confession IS good for the soul. Maybe the light from this computer will suffice tonight and the overhead will remain off…