Cross my heart but don't wanna die...

In the past week, two actresses I admired past away. Both were in their mid-fifties and that took me aback some. I’m more than six months into my fiftieth year of life and, since I’ve had such a rough year, it’s not uncommon for me to think about my mortality almost daily.

What if I only have four years or so left? What do I want to do with my remaining time? What do I see when I reflect on the years that are behind me?

Two days ago marked my 32nd year walking with Jesus Christ. Of course it was a day of reflection, introspection, and soul-searching. I’m nowhere near the man I expected to be the night I accepted Christ at nineteen. In some ways I’ve surpassed my goals and expectations but in most, I’m a huge disappointment to myself.

Granted I’m depressed at having lost my sweet son only a few months ago. But my self-assessment is fairly honest and realistic: I’m still as much of a sinner as I was when I started this journey. Sure, there are some things I’ve given up, curtailed, or managed to keep under wraps but, by and large I’m angry, bitter, jealous, doubtful and judgmental to degrees greater than I would ever want to admit-even to God.

The only thing I can brag about is God’s consistency to forgive me and help me clean up my messes along life’s way. Christ has been ever-present through every high and low and everything in between. This has been the case even when I went days, weeks, months, even years without fervently seeking Him. My testimony will ultimately be His as He has done all the heavy lifting while I was petty, fearful and lazy for the most part.

And now that I’m on the other side of middle age, what will I do for Him? I’ve been in the ministry for 32 years and have been so fortunate to have this as a vocation, to see countless people come to Jesus and to play dress up for the better part of the past decade.

But what will my legacy be? What will people say about me? About my life? What will my children remember most about me? What matters most? I weep as I write this as I honestly have no answers. I only know that Jesus is true and I am not. I know that any good in me is actually Him working in me and through me and I only pray that the people I love with stop resisting Him and submit totally and completely to His Lordship.

Not only am I concerned about your eternal souls but I am also saddened by the inevitable regret you have to look forward to as you age and realize all you could have become if you had allowed Jesus to have His way with you. Don’t put it off any further. Right here, right now, please pray…


Jesus I know I’m a sinner

I know I have wronged others but even more so, I have wronged you.

I did not create myself yet I have been my own God.

I’m ready to admit and change all of this to honor who You are and what You should be in my life: My Lord and my Savior.

Jesus, please come into my life. Come into my heart. Teach me to think, live, feel and be like you. Help me to help others and to glorify God as that was His intent in creating me.

My way is not working, Lord.

I may not understand everything about You and what this all means but I know something is missing. Please reveal yourself to me and forgive my sins, heal my heart and fill me with hope that I’m eternal and that this life is merely a blip in my existence.

I will thank you, and praise you and serve you forever more.


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